i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
