I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
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