Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
