His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Who died my cat blue again?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
