Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
