...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
