Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm bleeding and have questions
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
