she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
