she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize