The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
