I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
