I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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