Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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