My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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