census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
