dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize