Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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