I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
