WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
