Betty ford says i'm here all night
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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