you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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