I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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