the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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