I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
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Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
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Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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