You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
