We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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