its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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