just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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