That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
