Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
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He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
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I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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