Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
