My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
