take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
