i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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