my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
