They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
