I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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