thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
