i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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