Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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