I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You can't motorboat a personality
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
