I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
