I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?