I can text with my tongue
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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