Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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