I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
