Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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