Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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