see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
