The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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