i love accidental penises.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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