Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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