dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
