i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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