I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
