Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My vagina just recognized that song.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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